If I die before I wake

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I haven’t camped for a while. Camping is hard. It looks good on paper but not showering and shitting in an outhouse or self-dug hole is not that great.
Yesterday was such a beautiful day, I forgot about all my camping hardships and pitched a tent at George L. Smith State Park. This must be similar to women forgetting about the pains of childbirth and deciding to have another baby.
I was not afraid of what animals would crawl out of the swamp 100 feet from my sleeping head. Usually, if there are gators or snapping turtles or Sasquatch, there will be signs begging people not to stress out the alligators or not to look cross-eyed at the turtles or not to photograph the Sasquatch. No signs.
What scared me was being the only person camping in the park. This is Georgia. We’ve all seen Deliverance.
The squirrels! Did you know that a 12 ounce squirrel could sound like an angry black bear? All night long.
But I survived and I’m eating my reward, an Egg McMuffin. Of course, I took a full whore’s shower in the McDonald’s bathroom before I sat down to eat.
When I was living in France, I told a French friend that cleaning yourself in the sink is known as a whore’s shower or a French bath. She said, “Really? We call that a Polish bath.”
It’s good to know, some other group is always going to be lower than you.

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9 thoughts on “If I die before I wake

  1. Priceless! I love the selfie. Probably one of the best that I have seen. It shows so many emotions as compared to most and it doesn’t violate any of the top 10 do not do if you are going to post a selfie.

  2. The classy lady who married JFK Jr once referred to this as a “Puerto Rican bath”…see what we were spared when that plane went down due to her relentless nagging.

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